With the release of Windows 8 / 8.1 a what-have-you-bastards-done-with-my-start-menu tsunami hit some unspecified office blocks in Redmond. Because of course it did.
I shall now take a few steps back from my desk in a I-don’t-want-no-trouble gesture and say that Windows 8 / 8.1 was bloody brilliant. The no-nonsense minimalistic UI, fast as bat out of hell no less, that can manage all my games, media libraries and do a fuckton more on top in a snap? That’s my happy place.
Windows 10 is even better. It’s faster. It’s easier to use. It looks better – oh, it looks so much better. It’s amazing. And it’s got your start menu back. Yeah. I’ve accidentally discovered that thing after solid 12 hours of screwing around with the system and have to ask: why is it even there?
As a switchable accessibility option, you know, for disabled people? Yeah, sure thing, why not? As an optional ‘retro’ theme? Yeah… you know what, no. No themes, no ‘customisation’, no tweaking, no modding, not even touching the UI. Microsoft are absolutely right to be locking these away, just as they were when they ditched the start menu. Because Microsoft, newsflash, they know better. Than you, than her, then them, better than anyone. They’ve given you the straight-up magical Win+Q and you ask for that archaic, redundant, useless, ugly abomination back? What’s wrong with you?
I spent good time customising Windows in my day. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t but in the end, looking back, what was I trying to achieve with all that? I know the answer now. I was trying to get the start menu the hell outta my life. Come on Microsoft, now grow a pair!
